Emotional Immaturity Isn’t a Flaw—It’s a Developmental Detour
“I feel very vulnerable when I’m angry… because I have the emotional maturity of a toddler when it comes to dealing with my anger.”
That moment—raw, honest, and deeply personal—was the heart of a recent episode of Divergent Paths. Russ and I explored a topic often overlooked in conversations about neurodivergence: emotional immaturity.
If you’ve ever been told you’re “too sensitive,” “too reactive,” or “too much,” you may be carrying emotional wounds from a development that didn’t unfold on a typical timeline. In this post, we’ll unpack why emotional maturity is often delayed in neurodivergent adults, how masking and trauma play a role, and how to begin healing.
What Is Emotional Immaturity?
Emotional immaturity refers to the inability to process or regulate emotions in ways that align with one’s chronological age. It’s not about being childish. It’s about not having had the opportunity to develop those skills at the right time. For neurodivergent people, particularly those with autism or ADHD, this often stems from disrupted emotional development.
Why It Happens in Neurodivergent People
Neurodivergence is a developmental disability, which means development—including emotional growth—can be delayed. But here’s the kicker: many neurodivergent people also experience emotions more intensely than their neurotypical peers.
So you get this formidable combination:
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Delayed development of emotional regulation, and
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Bigger, deeper feelings than average
This mismatch can make everyday emotions feel overwhelming, confusing, or even frightening.
Anger and Suppression: A Case Study in Emotional Regression
In the episode, I shared a moment of powerful self-discovery: feeling anger, fully, for the first time.
For much of my life, I suppressed my anger. I contained my anger so completely that I had no place for it in my body. But a breakup, a swim session (which provided bilateral stimulation similar to EMDR), and years of therapy unlocked a new physical awareness of that emotion:
“It felt like hot lava under my rib cage. I had never let myself feel that before.”
Learning to recognize anger physically—tight chest, shallow breathing, muscle tension—was a massive breakthrough for me. It marked the evolution of unfreezing some of my deeper, more suppressed emotions.
How Masking Stalls Emotional Development
Masking—conforming to neurotypical expectations—can delay or even halt emotional growth. I spent years people pleasing others, especially my mom, by ignoring my own feelings and pretending everything was fine… even when it wasn’t fine at all.
This isn’t just a family dynamic—it’s a survival strategy. And while it keeps you safe in childhood, it stunts your ability to mature emotionally.
“It wasn’t okay for me to have my own feelings. I had to feel how she wanted me to feel.”
What Healing Looks Like
Healing from emotional immaturity doesn’t mean becoming “fixed.” It means becoming more fluent in your emotions.
Key steps include:
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Reconnecting with your body: Emotions are physical. Learn where and how you feel them.
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Naming Your Emotions: Practice labeling feelings without judgment.
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Making space for anger: Use movement (like swimming, walking, running or rage rooms) to express it safely.
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Questioning old patterns: Ask yourself if your reactions serve your current needs or old survival strategies.
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Giving yourself grace: This isn’t an easy or smooth process. There will be slip-ups. There will be setbacks. Be gentle with yourself when your old patterns appear.
Final Thoughts
Emotional immaturity in neurodivergent adults isn’t a character flaw. It’s the result of interrupted development, often complicated by trauma, masking, and suppression. But emotional growth is possible at any age.
If this resonates, you’re not alone. You’re not broken. You’re healing.
Listen to the full episode: Emotional Immaturity or Just Masking? Understanding Developmental Detours: https://rss.com/podcasts/divergent-paths/2075522/